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Doing something here when disaster strikes there

 Causes, Children, Finding Meaning, Giving, Philosophy, Spirituality  No Responses »
Aug 282010
 

It is an interesting issue of perspective when disasters strike far from us and how much it impacts us here.  Often times, it is the role of the media that plays a big part in how emotionally connected we feel.  If the media does not discuss or show emotionally charged images of a disaster, people are less inclined to reach out.

Every place on the planet is far away for someone and thus can be cause for one to feel disengaged.  With the advancement of technology, places have become closer and closer.  Our world is more similar than dissimilar.  A relative recently commented on a photo of my daughter in Utah.  He said it looked like a photo of my ancestral village in Pakistan.  Both are deserts and geographically very similar.

We are all vulnerable one way or another.  If a disaster involved us, we would want the world to reach out to us.  Pakistanis affected by the floods, especially the children, deserve to be assisted.  They did not ask for this, just as the Haitians did not ask for the earthquake.  The magnitude of the disaster in Pakistan may end up being the greatest of the decade, yet the aid thus far has been a fraction of that provided for other recent tragedies.  The following article may provide some insight into why this is occurring:

4 Reasons Why Americans Aren’t Giving for Pakistan Flood Relief – International – The Atlantic

The comments below the article are interesting.  I am attaching the following that resonated in particular for me:

“Uncle_Fred 5 days ago
Wow. I don’t understand it. Here before us is America’s chance to make a positive difference. We all know this is a part of the world that associates the American brand with bombs and drones.

America is missing a golden opportunity.

Aren’t the troops and equipment a hop across the border? If they got the goods and the manpower, why isn’t America there to help these people?

Imagine the reaction in the Muslim world if they were beamed imagines of Americans helping Pakistanis in great numbers, assisting them as brothers in need. This could throw a wrench in the propaganda arsenal that radicals use to inflame militancy.

As an added benefit, it might help to stabilize the Pakistani element to the Afghanistan resistance. American soldiers might get to go home sooner!

Yes, it can be argued that previous help was ineffective in changing hearts and minds. A perfect example of this would be the earthquake that rocked the region a few years back. Nevertheless, the US has spent far more money and time bombing Pakistan then helping it.

Show the world your good intentions Americans. Show these people that you’re not their enemy. Consequently, the ill-will large swaths of the Muslim world feels towards poor US foreign policy can be partly alleviated.”

Support UNICEF’s flood disaster relief for the children of Pakistan

 Posted by Pria at 3:12 pm  Tagged with: ,

Spring Cleaning – Preteen Boy’s Room

 Children, De-cluttering, Motherhood, Organizing  No Responses »
Mar 042010
 

As the first signs of Spring are starting to be seen with the beginning of March, windows are being opened for some fresh air and thoughts of dusting, de-cluttering, organizing and Spring cleaning are not far behind.

From the Butterfly Pavillion

The starting point for my current spring cleaning is my son Colin’s room.  It’s been neglected.  It needs some upgrading to his current age, some organizing, lots of purging, and cleaning.  He has not kept up with the cleaning and the cleaning lady we recently had was being challenged figuring out her way around enough to clean.  She gave me the homework assignment of getting some bags of stuff out of there, which I had not completely complied with.

I have started by moving his bed to a different location – that always lends a different, refreshing perspective to a room.  That meant discovering a whole world under his bed.  Often, de-cluttering and cleaning for Colin has meant shoving as much as he can under the bed.  I’ve been pulling things out from under there, so it wasn’t too bad this time.  So initially, I cleared and cleaned the area his bed was going to cover and then put everything questionable to one side of his room, once the bed was moved.  This looks more cluttered than before.  But trust the process!

I’m trying to create “homes,” for his stuff, which I still need to do.  He has a big plastic tub (can’t have too many plastic bins!) that fits under his bed, which is now a home for art.  I have to find homes for all the other stuff piled to one side of his room.  Things gradually start to find groups and then you find a container to put them in and a logical place for the container.  As you create the homes and move stuff out, you see more and more space (and feel lighter!)

I am starting to learn some lessons, especially for getting together a preteen boy’s room:

  • Clear, covered plastic containers of all sizes solve many problems.  They keep dust at bay and keep things separate and easy to see.  I need a bigger one for his legos that no longer can be covered in the current container.  There are an abundant amount of small stuff to store and keep separate – pens, markers, etc.
  • Keep stuff to a minimum.  Colin’s room is not very big, so taking out unecesary stuff helps a lot.  This meant taking out a shelf that was only holding clutter.  Moving the bed to one side also freed up valuable playing space.   I have the vacuum handy to clean any new space as I go along.  With Colin’s help, we’ll go through his books to weed out those he’s read and outgrown, toys he has outgrown or doesn’t want to play with, and clothes that he no longer fits in.  These will be donated.
  • Every room needs some nature and greenery.  There are some small plants that I will put into a big pot to put in a corner of his room.  It should also help the air in his room.
  • Maintain the space regularly. A kid’s room needs constant maintenance to purge it of stuff that’s been outgrown.  With my 1 year-old, I keep a bag near her changing station to keep putting in clothes that no longer fit.  It’s a much more frequent process than with my son.  A preteen boy needs to be reminded regularly to maintain his room.  We’ve tried to have a set time, 8pm, when he needs to wind up his day, including watching TV, and take some time to get his room straight before retiring for the night.  This is still a work in progress.

He is very happy with his space once it’s done.  What needs work is having that pride stay long enough to keep maintaining the space to keep it in top condition.  What I find is that if the “vision” for the room strays too much, I have to go in there and re-haul it so he has an idea of what to work towards, which is what I am working on right now.  Hopefully, when he comes home from school today, he will have a wonderful surprise when he opens his bedroom door.

 Posted by Pria at 10:42 am  Tagged with: ,

Building a Child’s Self Esteem (Ages 3-12)

 Children, Parenting, Self-esteem  No Responses »
Feb 182010
 

Maya and Colin 1.10

By the age of three, about 85% of the brain has developed.  Those are crucial years.  I’ve taught at the preschool level and learned first-hand how little value those years have been given.  There should be plenty of funding and support for these years.

Some points to consider in building self-esteem:

3 to 5 year-olds

  • Pride is emerging, along with self-conscious emotions like shame, guilt and embarrassment.  This prompts preschoolers to be more prone to being easily torn down and easily built up as well.
  • Encourage your child’s sense of capability by encouraging a variety of activities.  Help your child to keep setbacks in perspective and to set realistic expectations.  Remind your child of progress and successes in the past.
  • Praise only what your child does well rather than making general exaggerated comments.
  • Acknowledge the difference your child is making, such as when your child helps around the house.  This lets your child know of his or her importance.
  • When your preschooler does something wrong, help your child to gain his or her own conclusion to gain a better understanding of the world and how to succeed in it.

6 to 12-year-olds

  • With school comes competition and evaluation, which can undermine your child’s self-esteem.  Kids will measure themselves against peers.
  • It’s now more important than ever to praise efforts rather than specific accomplishments or general traits like intelligence.  Kids that are told they’re smart resist learning new things and limit themselves.  Kids who are taught the importance of working hard and concentrating thrive.  They are more motivated, perform higher and have higher self-esteem.
  • Keep your child focused on self-improvement rather than shortcomings in relation to peers.  Explain how kids are good at different things, and that no one is good at everything.  Help your child figure out his or her strengths.  There may be an aspect of a sport or activity that your child does well, such as knowing and following the rules well.  Reward participation and effort.
  • When setbacks happen, keep the focus on future improvement.  Practice with your child to participate in working toward a goal.
  • Problem-solve together, allowing your child to come up with solutions first and then offering your input.  This will help your child see him or herself as a valued, thinking member of the family.
  • When you express love to your child, set not limits on yourself!  Maya and Colin 1.10
 Posted by Pria at 10:57 am  Tagged with: ,

Building a Child’s Self-Esteem (to age 2)

 Children, Parenting, Self-esteem  2 Responses »
Feb 172010
 

I like to read about ways to improve myself, including the area of parenting.  In the parenting world, building the self-esteem of my preteen son and one-year-old daughter is important to me.  Here are some points I’ve gleaned:

Birth to Age 1:

  • Create a secure attachment with your child.  Try to know your child’s different cries and their meaning.  Take note of facial expressions and body language.  Make regular eye contact.  It’s even been shown that there is a connection between eye contact at a young age with higher grades later in high school.
  • Along with eye contact, cooing and mirroring says babies that they are worthy of love.  As the baby approaches the age of one, allow appropriate freedom to increase skills, while being there for falls, assuring your child that you will be there.  Praise freely at this age.

One to Two Year-olds:

  • Allow the process of letting self-esteem develop through the feeling of competence and capability.  We must find the balance between encouraging independence while providing clear boundaries and rules.  We should praise accomplishments, but not make generic, sweeping statements like “you’re brilliant.”  This can result in the child developing unrealistic expectations without a basis in skills or abilities and damage self-esteem in the long run.
  • Toddlers still need the reassurance that comes from hugging and cuddling.  Toddlers also need the comfort of limits.  A big goal of this period is to develop self-control, which is directly linked to self-esteem.  Use explanations instead of just the word “no.”  Focus comments on the behavior rather than the child.

Enhancing self-esteem includes a long-term supply of supportive words and gestures.  It’s never too early or late to do something to enhance a child’s self-esteem.

Pria with Maya at 11 Months

Tomorrow I will provide some points on enhancing self-esteem for three to 12 year-olds.

Source:  Ginny Graves – Redbook

 Posted by Pria at 11:10 am  Tagged with: ,

My Daughter Turns 1

 Children, Motherhood, Parenting  No Responses »
Feb 162010
 

My adorable daughter, Maya, turned one on February 8. We spread out her birthday celebration, doing different activities to accommodate her schedule. I am sharing some photos of this time period.

I look at her now and feel amazed at how intact she seems. I am so relieved and pray she continues to be healthy and happy. I think of all the issues and scares of the past year, feeling nervous about her fragile phases and worrying about various situations that I did not get perfect. There seemed to be soap that got in her mouth as an infant. Once her swing seemed to be swung too much and I worried about shaken baby syndrome. There’s been the constant threat of SIDS, that I hope she has graduated from. There have been many “bonks” as she learned to sit, stand, crawl, and now cruising in preparation for walking. Once she slipped off the couch, bonking her head. Stuff happened that I thought wouldn’t happen on my watch.

When she first learned to crawl, she crawled off the bed, completely freaking me out. The bed was no longer safe and I knew I would have to be constantly vigilant about where she crawled to, and navigate around my pets. Once she startled my sleeping Australian Shepherd (I didn’t notice he was where she crawled to) and ended up with a little cut in her ear and above her eye. I was freaked out again. I would have to referee better with him. I worry as she feeds the dogs from her high chair, holding out her tiny hand and crabbing my shepherd’s fur as he walks by.

I’ve generally been afraid of babies. I’ve thought they were cute, but too fragile to trust myself with. In fact, when I had my son in 1998, at 30, after 21 hours of labor, I wouldn’t hold him when he was offered to me. I was concerned about my strength at the moment and was afraid of dropping him. I was awkward trying to first put clothes on him, not sure about twisting his limbs into the clothes. Driving was a whole other concern.

I can’t say I’ve come far in my baby concerns since having my son, which my daughter has benefited from. In a sense, my experience validated my concern about their fragility. When he was two, he fell from a chair (while trying to turn the light switch on and off), just a few feet from me, and fractured his elbow. The total distance was about a foot, but he apparently fell wrong and I wasn’t fast enough in catching him. It seemed to happen in slow motion. A doctor asked, “why were you letting him climb on chairs?” Because I’m an irresponsible idiot! I had nightmares of him falling in slow motion for a long time.  I’ve felt for a long time like the best and easiest phase for me is adolescence – I can imagine many parents of adolescents cringe.

It may be a while, at least until Maya is five and going to kindergarten, that I will remain vigilant and before I can try to relax a little…

 Posted by Pria at 3:18 pm  Tagged with: ,

Blood-draw From Hell

 Children, Motherhood, Parenting  No Responses »
Feb 082010
 

Today is my daughter’s 1st birthday!  In celebration, or rather, in poor planning, we had scheduled her one year doctor’s appointment this morning.  She had a few vaccinations at the doctor’s appointment and then we were sent nearby for a blood-draw.  We frantically tried to use her numbing ointment wherever we were told she would be pricked, but there seemed to be a disconnect between where we were told her blood-draw would be and where it ended up, so she didn’t have the ointment in the right place.

In hindsight, we should have rescheduled.  The ointment takes half an hour to take effect, and a blood-draw is more involved than getting a shot.  This would be her first.  We decided to “get ‘er done” since we were there and my husband had taken the time from work to help and be present.  My husband held Maya while I tried to distract her with a toy and hide the shot with a book (for both of us) while trying to feed her with her bottle.  It seemed to go on forever, but was maybe a minute or two when my husband said it was enough, while Maya continued crying.  I thought I was doing all I could to help my daughter survive the draw.

Maya - 11 Months

It turned out there was no blood drawn!  The aide was trying to find a vein!  All that time, she said nothing while pricking my daughter for nothing!  I don’t understand why she couldn’t just say she couldn’t find it before pricking her or during the unproductive process!  I would have told her to stop way before my husband did.  This unproductive process has been done with me and I know how painful it is (I had a whole line of co-workers watch while my arm was repeatedly pricked).  I can’t believe this was being done to my child, whose arm is a fraction of the width of mine.

I have a general frustration with some of the professional world that deal with children (and maybe shouldn’t), that seem to discount the pain kids feel.  It’s as if they think that if you can’t speak, you don’t feel pain, or that it somehow doesn’t matter.  I’ve read about surgeries done on babies with little pain relief.  It was after reading an article that I found out about the ointment we now use, which I requested a prescription for.  I don’t see why it wasn’t mentioned by the medical office or just used by them.  More and more, as a parent, I’m learning how proactive we must be in caring for and protecting our children.  It’s frustrating that we can’t always trust professionals in their care, at least not to the level we may want and prefer.

There are unfortunately many ugly realities of parenthood, with vaccinations and blood-draws being high on the list.  We can at least do what is within our power to make these ugly realities less so for our kids.

 Posted by Pria at 12:34 pm  Tagged with:

Letter To My Daughter, Maya

 Children, Motherhood, Outlook, Parenting, Rituals, Spirituality  No Responses »
Jan 282010
 

My daughter is turning one soon and I’m doing some soul-searching about myself and the messages I would be giving

Maya's first dressed-up professional photo at 11 months

to her.  Some thoughts were coming to me (in the shower) about what I would want to say to her (and how I should be living and role-modeling this).  I started a letter to capture some of these and am sharing, as I thought it may be food for thought with the start of the new year.

I plan to keep it in electronic form and keep adding to it.  It would be a nice ritual by adding to it annually, and give it to her before college.  I have a chest where I keep keepsakes for my two kids to have someday – maybe I will put it in there.  I separately started keeping notes about her development from the year.  In case I end up not being around in her future, I want to share with her what I have learned thus far, that may be of use to her.

Letter to my daughter, Maya

Dear Maya,

It is such a privilege and honor to have you in my life and be your mom.  In case I am not able to do so in person when you are an adult, I want to share some life lessons I’ve learned that I wish my mother relayed to me, which may be relevant for you.

  • You create your own happiness
    • Do not let anyone, especially a man, control your level of happiness
  • Do not wait to be rescued – only you can rescue yourself
    • People around you may not have the ability to rescue you.
      • You are empowering them to believe they can control you and your state
        • Don’t give away this basic power that is only yours
    • Know when you are behaving like a victim and projecting that out to the world.
  • As a female, it is important that you understand, embrace, and LIVE the word “empowerment.”
    • Many events that can be viewed with sadness, such as a relationship ending (which truly did not serve you), can be viewed as empowering, if you allow yourself to see it that way.
    • Know and respect your power and don’t give it away to others
  • You can only expect from others the level of respect you give yourself
    • Never settle on this – know and stand up for the level that you deserve
  • Embracing your intelligence, intellectually and emotionally, is a good thing
    • Do not feel ashamed, question, doubt, and disregard what you know in your heart to be true.

Above all, be open to giving and receiving love.  Know that I have and will always love you.

With all my heart,

Your Mom

For more food for thought, check out my expanding collection of Quotes and Food For Thought

 Posted by Pria at 2:56 pm  Tagged with: ,

Recording Memories

 Children, Finding Meaning, Rituals  No Responses »
Dec 222009
 

With the start of winter break for my preteen son, I am hoping to get caught up with scrap-booking his childhood pictures with his help.  So far, there has been a lot of selling with not much buying.  I showed him the end result, some of his baby pictures in the book, and how much he would enjoy them later, how HIS kids would not like to go through a chaotic pile of pictures.

All these points, he was fine with, but the end result was that after initially organizing a few pictures by age, as requested, he wandered off to watch Jurassic Park Part III and suggested under his breath that maybe I do the scrap-booking instead.   I thought he had a point in that it is MY hobby.  He wouldn’t even know what to say next to the pictures as it is from my perspective and he wouldn’t remember what was going on in the pictures.

Still, I had hoped some artistic interest would call out to him.  I’m hoping he will get more involved when I get to an artistic part. And I just need the help as I am still trying to finish his newborn pictures.  His pictures are from a time when digital cameras were just starting to enter the scene.  They were big, clunky objects.  So everything I shot was developed, good or bad, that needs to be scrap-booked, since 1998.  ***sigh*** I dream of being done by New Year’s so that I can try to get caught up with my daughter’s book.  I don’t want to wait too long as it gets harder to figure out what to write along with the pictures.  Plus her pictures are all on the computer, so I have to first get them developed.

Then of course there are all the pictures in between, vacations and so forth. Will I ever get caught up?  I also have a birth-record cross-stitch that I started when I was expecting my son.  It is barely 1/4 done and I hope to complete it for my daughter.

I enjoy the idea of recording memories.  I picture my kids leafing through their books long after I’m gone, feeling like they have a better sense of themselves and my view of them as they were growing up.  I know I would treasure something like this, and I imagine that they would as well.  I love photography and scrap-booking my children’s lives seems like a meaningful utilization of my photographic interest.

It is possible that I’m spending way too much time and energy on recording memories rather than making them, but for now, I have to plod forward to satisfy the “Monk” (our favorite TV show about the obsessive-compulsive detective) in me.  I hope I am rewarded someday by finding much meaning and comfort in my recorded memories.

 

 Posted by Pria at 7:49 pm  Tagged with:

Rituals

 Children, Finding Meaning, Parenting, Self-Care  No Responses »
Nov 182009
 

Being bi-cultural, I’ve had to give some thought to the rituals and holidays I want to incorporate for my family. Not living in India, it is challenging to celebrate Indian holidays to the level I would like. Sometimes, I am not able to remember or keep up with certain Indian holidays if I don’t see reminders somewhere, such as the Indian store. This is not an issue for Western holidays of course. There are reminders everywhere. Even though Thanksgiving has not arrived yet, we are all being reminded of Christmas. Culturally, I am fine with holidays that I grew up with here in the US playing a bigger part. All the holidays of any culture celebrate something nice, centered around love. Any language or culture that is expressed in is fine with me. With that in mind, I admit I enjoy the spirit of the Christmas season. I take part in decorating my home, singing Christmas carols with my family, and celebrating at my Unitarian church, along with baking what I can. Despite these rituals, I still consider myself a Unitarian and Hindu. If I were in India, the holidays and related celebrations there would get more prominence in my home.

Outside of the major holidays, I try to incorporate other rituals for my family. One ritual we have started is to celebrate my infant daughter’s monthly birthdays. Since she was born on the 8th, we celebrate the 8th of every month. Recently, for her 9-month celebration on November 8th, I cooked food I knew she would enjoy (spaghetti, which is fun finger food for her) and other goodies for us. She received toys and we sang and danced to the song we have decided is hers from us, Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours.” We have been singing this to her since the beginning of her life, and she seems to recognize it.

As an outcome of Maya’s monthly celebrations, I thought we should celebrate my son’s, so he is not left out. Then I thought why leave out my husband and I? With that in mind, My husband is celebrating his monthly birthday today, since he was born on the 18th. So yesterday was Colin’s Day and today is Porter’s Day. I’ve already put it on the calendar for next month and am looking forward to my day on the 9th. The rule is that you get to do whatever you want (within reason) and get an excuse to treat yourself. So my husband would say he had a good start this morning, which included not having to drop my son off to school since a neighbor started doing so. My daughter slept through the night and we got decent sleep as a result. Then he treated himself to the lunch he wanted and he gets to do whatever he wants tonight, which will probably include tennis since it is not too cold today, along with having the dinner and dessert he wants.

Since we didn’t realize it was Colin’s day yesterday until the evening, he is getting part of the day today for himself. That means Mom is doing everything! All the chores fall on me. Although, I am looking forward to tomorrow, the 19th, as it is no one’s day, I am also looking forward to Pria’s Day on the 9th. It is nice to have a day per month to do nice things for ourselves guilt-free and have a day to always look forward to!

Porter and Maya on a nice September day at church.

Porter and Maya on a nice September day at church.

 Posted by Pria at 2:22 pm

The Perfection Curse

 Children, Education, Finding balance, Motherhood  No Responses »
Nov 022009
 

IrisisFor much of my life, my ideals have led me towards perfectionistic tendencies.  It has meant I have often been harder on myself than was appropriate or kind.  Of course, there can be many reasons contributing to this tendency.  It is a common struggle for many and almost touted as a standard in the American culture.  This can lead to all sorts of problems.

Motherhood takes perfectionism to a whole new dimension.  Guilt becomes a constant companion to not measuring up to our perfect parental ideals.  In the early years of a child’s life, there seem to be an abundant amount of situations for moms to feel less than perfect.  Our children seem so fragile and we can feel so intimidated by that and their constant changes to keep up with, we could potentially make berating ourselves a part-time job.

Last night, a week before turning 9 months, Maya began officially crawling.  It was an exciting and scary milestone at the same time.  The milestone occurred a few hours after slipping on a couch pillow and bonking her head, which scared me.  She got over it and was fine.  I was not and kept repeating the situation in my head and analyzing it to figure out how it could have been prevented and how to make sure it never happens again.  There was a mini family meeting and the report from the analysis was provided.

As soon as Maya started creeping last night, she went straight for the computer chords under a desk.  The baby-proofing project must now officially begin.  Although I have gone through a cycle of child-rearing with my preteen son, I can’t say I’m more laid back with my daughter as a result.  If anything, recent experiences are prompting me to be less laid-back!  Forget trying to have a life of your own!  I must be hyper-vigilant and make sure no harm comes to my defenseless baby!  She is now a very curious, care-free, mobile child without any concept of consequences.  I pray over her every night after she goes to sleep because of SIDS.  There are so many issues to potentially be concerned about!

As my children grow and mature, they give me many opportunities to look at myself and grow along with them.  One gift I would like to pass on is peace with the desire for perfection.  It is ok to aim for something close, but it does not mean we should be unkind to ourselves for not consistently reaching that objective.  We just have to brush ourselves off and keep aiming for the best we can do.  We have to pat ourselves on the back as much as possible for trying and sometimes creating near-perfect moments that in the end maybe leads to a life we can feel mostly proud of.

 Posted by Pria at 4:05 pm
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