With my son and daughter at a park on Mother's Day

Sometimes I feel like my brain is constantly seeking potential SNL skits.  My preteen son has joined me in this and sometimes when we are left alone, we come up with amusing scenarios.  This occurred recently at a strip mall while my husband left to get a few items from a store, leaving me in the car with my son and toddler daughter.  One of the shows I tease my son and sometimes my husband for watching is “Survivorman.”

It is a reality show about a man surviving for a week at a time in different challenging circumstances, such as the ocean or the Amazon.  I told them that there should be a show called “Survivorwoman,” which I would gladly be the star of.  In this show, I would have to endure trying out top class hotels the world over.  I would be shown comparing the best food, the best massages, the best spa treatments, you get the picture – I would have to survive all such scenarios…

Anyway, as we waited at the strip mall, we wondered what “Survivorman” would do in such a scene.  It would be called “Strip Mall Survivorman.”  We imagined him waking up in the parking lot, surrounded by a chinese restaurant, Kmart, a liquor store and various other stores.  He would of course do a pan on his camera of the scene.  He would explain to us how he would eat lunch at the chinese restaurant, and what he would eat.  We would then get to see him eat it.  He would then potentially get some alcohol at the liquor store…you get the picture.  Exciting show!  As exciting as watching me enjoy spa treatments on “Survivorwoman,” a show every woman would want to try to survive on…

Mint in March

It’s been exciting seeing signs of Spring and being able to get started on the gardening season.  I was hopeful when I saw a few new mint leaves and my bulbs start to peek out.   My crocuses have been showing off their lovely purple colors in the sun.  How uplifting!  Only in Colorado can you have snow on the ground in the morning and be able to garden in the afternoon as I have been able to do last month.

Crocus in March

Here in Denver, we’ve been blessed to have a few days since March from the 50s to even 70.  We were even able to bathe our dogs.  One day, the temperature would be in the high 60s and then we would have a storm coming in the following day dumping about 7 inches of snow.  That means Denverites have been desperately trying to make use of any pleasant weather to get out and perhaps tend to their yards as I have tried to do.

I have also been fortunate that my 1 year-old has been cooperating with me by peacefully playing on a blanket near me outside while I squeezed in some gardening.   I was able to plant spinach and Asian radish.  We’ll see how it goes!  Last year, I was some-what successful with the spinach.  I was able to use some before the insects got to it.

My beloved irisis that beckon Spring

Gardening has been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been fascinated by things growing and nurturing them. It must have to do with having a nurturing quality that maybe all gardening enthusiasts share.

Gardening Joys

It’s exciting and rewarding to nurture something to its full potential and enjoy the results, whether in appearance and aroma as with flowers or by enjoying its taste with vegetables. There is the added sense of productivity one gets with successfully growing something edible that they can enjoy and share with family and friends. It may even be a cost-saving measure, particularly in today’s economic climate. We are reminded of victory gardens and feel a sense of empowerment in being able to grow our own food. We not only save money (not always!); we can also appreciate knowing that our family is eating something fresh and possibly pesticide-free.

My Gardening Experience

I am not quite an expert gardener. I just enjoy getting my hands dirty and am very interested in learning all I can and continuously improving my gardening experience and harvest. My family can attest to my many successes and failures. Last year, I wanted to get in sunflowers before my daughter was born. They are symbolic to the meaning of her middle name and I just thought they would be colorful.

Maya enjoying her first Spring May 2009

Gardening Maintenance

Well, having a child doesn’t allow a whole lot of time to get out there and maintain one’s garden. So there were times I probably needed to pull and transfer some rogue sunflower seedlings before they got overgrown. I wasn’t able to do it and at times it seemed we were being invaded by sunflowers. Birds ate some sunflower seeds which they excreted and planted sunflowers in areas I had not intended.

By August, many were too big (over six feet) to try to move. By Fall, some had to be hacked down. I wanted my husband to at least try to cut some so they could be used as cut flowers. So I made a note to self for this year; to not allow an invasion of sunflowers.

Maya and Me August 8, 2009 - when she turned 6 months

Successes and Failures

The sunflowers from last year were a success and failure. My attempt to grow tomatoes were a failure. I bought a few plants that grew but didn’t yield much or ***gasp***I didn’t get to in time and they got over-ripe and fell. The spinach was kind of successful – got some to use, but a lot was enjoyed by insects.

I got ambitious with some vegetables. A broccoli plant turned into a big flowering weed. Cauliflower plants got out of control, where I didn’t even see some heads, which got over-ripe and had to be composted. An artichoke plant grew and promptly died at the first sign of drought in July. The pepper plants produced a little but didn’t quite make it. All of these experiments were on a side plot (behind me in the picture below) that I newly created by removing lawn and rock. I used a little amendment, but could probably use a lot more.

This year, I am excited about the beginning of gardening season and am starting to dream about what I want to plant. Probably the big lesson from last year I should keep in mind is to not get too ambitious, so I don’t end up with a jungle that overwhelms me! Still, I will allow for some sense of gardening adventure.

I look forward to sharing my gardening adventures, large and small. Maybe there will be lessons for all of us. Hopefully, you will learn from my mistakes so you can enjoy more gardening successes in your gardening adventure.  Good luck, and happy gardening!

In the back of our suburban home 8.09

Goodbye slip-on heeled shoes!

We all have to learn to keep living our lives as balanced as we can.  Women and Moms in particular can get caught up in multi-tasking and a juggling act that takes over our lives at our expense.  While we may be aware of needing to learn to slow down to maintain balance in our lives in general, we may not think of being balanced in a literal sense.  I was not thinking about it when I lost balance on a step, fell, and fractured a hand, requiring surgery.

Now I am recovering and going through challenging physical therapy.  The experience has made me more aware of safety.  I would not be in this situation if I had taken off my slip-on heels before going down the steep steps to the basement or chosen different shoes.  Since my accident, I’ve been drawn to observing the shoes women are wearing.  I imagine that as the weather gets warmer, more heels will be worn.

I’ve debated what to do with the shoes I fell in.  I thought I might keep them and just be more careful – they were my favorite pair, a treat from Nordstrom.  I looked them over and noticed they were somewhat worn and realized I’d never really looked at how worn my dress shoes are getting.  I bet this is common for women – we normally have many pairs that we occasionally wear and don’t think we are wearing them out.  We certainly wouldn’t think of a potential safety concern from a worn heel.  Mine ended up with some ridges that got caught on Berber carpeted stairs.

I decided to donate my shoes and am now giving more thought to the shoes I plan to wear in the future.  I’ve heard of vague concerns regarding heels being damaging and decided to do some research.  I came across a Washington Post Article with diagrams showing the effect of heels on the body.  Not surprisingly, there is nothing positive.  For myself, I am planning on steering away from heels.  Perhaps what I will gain from literally losing my balance and getting injured is healthier feet and legs for the long-term.

My left hand post-surgery

I hadn’t expected to be nursing a fractured hand at the beginning of April, along with related lifestyle changes.  This includes not driving.  Today marks the two-week anniversary of my fall fracturing my hand and also of not driving.  I probably haven’t driven for longer but it was good to know that I could.  I have also had to have help doing some basic things like opening a jar and anything requiring two hands.  Most significantly, I’ve had to have help caring for Maya.

For the first week following the accident, I leaned on Colin during his Spring break.  He maintained a good attitude while helping to carry her up and down the stairs, in and out of her high chair and even during diaper changes.  He held her down with his eyes closed and holding his breath while I used my right hand for the dirty work.  Although it wasn’t an ideal Spring break for him, it was probably healthy for him to be needed and to be helpful to his old lady!  I have to get him trained for when I’m older.

This past week, we have been able to utilize the assistance of a 23 year-old neighbor who has not been working.  It’s been a good match since she has been able to make some money while we are getting some flexible help.  As an added bonus, we got to know of some general babysitting assistance for when we are ready to go date.  We may end up with a choice of four sitters, whereas two weeks ago, we knew of no one in the area.  We had canceled potentially seeing our favorite singer, Michael Buble, perform as a result.

Over-all, I am trying to take each day as it comes and stay occupied with my interests along with my family responsibilities.  I added to my writing tasks right after the fall, by joining Examiner among other projects.  I don’t want to focus on the setback with my hand.  I want to focus on all that I have and on moving forward.  I will do what I can with one hand and will just be more efficient with two.

Tomorrow, it will be one week since my surgery and I will be meeting with my surgeon.  I expect that my bandage will be removed and then I imagine throwing up upon looking at the state of my hand.  Right before the surgery, he told me he would use a plate instead of pins for my broken metacarpals and that it does not need to be taken out and that it would be noticeable.  He also said he would use cadaver bone for the parts where my bone turned to powder.  He said that although the cadaver bone has been tested, it could still have HIV.  He said the cut area of the hand would protrude and then go down.  Aggghhhh!  I was hearing all this after being doped up and just pictured a monstrous hand after the surgery and that is what I’m imagining I’ll see tomorrow…

She said for her, that was taking pictures wherever she went.  I can certainly relate to her interest and the concept that “photos capture moments and stop time.  They immediately say something about people, places and events.”  A friend of hers mentioned how it was a meditation focusing on everything around you.  Nice!

Photography brings me balance by allowing me to capture moments I can remember later.  As the family photographer, it connects me more to them.  I enjoyed studying black and white photography in college and look forward to developing the interest more.

Other every-day ways I find balance include cooking, cleaning (immediate sense of achievement!), organizing (helps me see more clearly), yard work (being outside, burning calories), and humor (watching a funny show like SNL with Porter).

The segment on the Today show suggested we all spend a day a week on what we love.  What a nice concept!  What would you do if you could take a day a week to spend on your interest?  Maybe we could start with at least a few minutes a day and build from there…

We were waiting for Maya to wake up from her nap so I tried to tidy up quickly first.  In commemoration of Spring and to treat myself a little, I had put on my slip-on burgundy shoes with a wide wedge heel that were a post-divorce treat.  You can probably anticipate where this is going…

I had some notes on my sofa table that I thought I’d get over to my desk in our finished basement.  Mid-way down the stairs, near the turn, a wedge heal seemed to catch against the Berber carpet and I felt my self lose balance, literally, not metaphorically.  I was conscious of trying to protect my head from the wall.  In the process, my left hand ended up going backwards, in the direction our hands are not intended to go, with the weight of my body landing on it.

I gathered my wits and sat there at the landing, assessing the situation, after pulling my hand out.  I hadn’t hit my head against the wall in front of me and had probably scratched my knees.  My left hand was beginning to feel excruciating pain.  I remembered hearing that when you break something, it hurts a lot.  And the pain I felt seemed comparable to my drug-free birth from a year prior.  My shoes were laying near me.

The Culprit

Colin continued to play his video game in the living room.  Finally, I calmly asked him to set that down and help me.  Isn’t it amazing how we parents can remain calm and quiet with excruciating pain when our kids are around?  I had him get me an ice-pack, which I put on my hand and continued my task of getting my papers to my desk.  I realized I was probably not going to be able to use my hand to drive and that Porter’s day was going go not as planned.

Going back upstairs, I asked Colin to call Porter and explain what happened and that I might need to go to the local clinic.  Colin thought I was invincible and was trying to process that I was hurt.  I sat in excruciating pain waiting for Porter to drive from Aurora, get Maya situated with Colin as brief babysitter while he dropped me off.

At the Dr.’s, while waiting in the examination room, I let the tears roll for the pain and turn of events.  How was I going to hold Maya?  She couldn’t walk yet and seemed to be about 25lbs.  What about writing and gardening?  Or even cooking and cleaning?  Damn those shoes!  Why hadn’t I taken them off before going down the stairs?  Why hadn’t I gone slower?

X-rays showed I had broken my hand in two places.  I had never broken a bone before.  This was my first, at 41 and with a baby not yet walking.  Not the best time!  We ended up with another mini-crisis as my ring finger was swelling and I could not remove my precious engagement and wedding ring.  In the end, it was cut, which was still a struggle to remove.  Finally, a tech came to the rescue by prying the ring apart with tools while it was pushed up, preventing another cut.  I knew Porter would not be happy with this side development (and he wasn’t).  We have lousy health insurance, so this is not a good financial development, outside of the ring.  Typically, we pay everything up to our high deductible. 

About an hour later, after getting my hand in a splint and bandage and referrals to hand surgeons (I hadn’t connected the dots that this would mean hand surgery, which Porter clarified), Porter picked me up.  It was now about three hours since my fall and I still hadn’t had any pain medicine besides two aspirins at home.  We picked up a prescription for Vikaden, which I finally took at 8:30pm, since it was supposed to be taken at bedtime, after a struggle getting a snug long-sleeve off my hand in a cast, that Porter finally got off.  How was I going to manage shirts?

The Vikaden seemed to help but I seemed to keep waking up andwas lying awake by 2am, feeling my hand ache.  Then finally by 2:30, I thought I’d go ahead and blog to keep my mind off the pain.  So here I am, typing away with one hand.  It’s almost 4am, so I’m not exactly efficient, but at least have the use of my right hand since I’m right-handed.

Related post:  Slowing down

Steps to Stop Emotional Eating
1. Stop Hiding: Be accountable to yourself, food, and family. Don’t have “secret” meals.
2. Be Mindful (vs. Mindless): This refers to slowing down your eating and appreciating your food with all your senses. Do a raisin experiment – put one on your tongue and focus on how it feels. Then chew and swallow while noticing and appreciating it as it goes into your digestive system. Eating mindfully has been shown to help people eat less and gain less weight.
3. Feed yourself without food: Feed yourself emotionally. Reach out to others and spend time with them.
4. Make a safety plan: This refers to what you’re going to do instead of eating, such as calling a friend, going for a walk, or taking a warm bath. Using peppermint oil helps invigorate the senses and helps connect with your mood. Most importantly, the safety plan starts before entering the kitchen.

Exercise and love yourself!

Source: Dr. Oz

An example of such an activity for Porter is tennis. He has grown up being engaged with the sport and has spent much time and probably money in lessons. His passion for tennis was an attraction to me as I appreciate someone being focused on athleticism and fitness and specifically like the sport. Our level of attachment to tennis is not the same, though. My desire is not as committed and is more about enjoyment – being outside, being social, and getting fit without risking one’s life, as in some other sports. I do not feel a desire for competitiveness, whereas Porter does.

Colin taking tennis lessons

So the topic has come up about his level of involvement in tennis this year and meeting his desire for competitiveness while meeting the needs of his marriage and family. It can be a touchy conversation as I don’t want to be in the position of telling my mate what to do. I feel we all have to figure out the balancing act for ourselves constantly. We can’t have someone else do it for us. I felt that he had the primary information on what his potential commitment would entail and its implication in terms of time and money. He has to figure out how it would play out in terms of creating the balance needed. If I didn’t get enough attention, he would probably hear about it!

I have to figure out the balancing act constantly, as does any Mom who is also trying to pursue other interests on the side. I want to nurture my family and at the same time nurture myself. I recognize that if I don’t nurture myself, it will be more challenging to nurture my family. It is not a smooth process as it seems something is always falling through the cracks and not everything gets the right amount of attention. This probably touches on the vast topic of a struggle with perfection.

Yesterday, for instance, my almost-walking daughter, Maya, grabbed a glass of water from the dining table and it shattered all around her. I ran out of the restroom yelling her name in time to grab her before she took a step and stepped in glass and thanked God that it hadn’t flown on her. I reproached myself for not having been more vigilant about the glass being within her reach and for not taking her in the restroom with me or securing her in her playpen or crib when stepping away. I needed to focus more energy on keeping the home more baby-proofed.

So it seems something is always being neglected. While I’m writing this, I could be doing laundry, dishes, or taxes, to name a few competing responsibilities. I don’t have a perfect solution or formula. What I try to do is to allow appropriate time to different needs and desires to find that elusive sense of balance. Maya is currently napping, which ends up being the only time I can do something that is about my interests. I try to be efficient so I can cram in other necessities, such as taking a shower.

So my struggle for balance involves managing my different responsibilities and interests everyday to be as healthy and happy as I can be. Competitiveness is not an element that factors in much for me. I may have it in a broad, general sense that I do not want to be a “loser” and will always try to get in a sense of productivity and growth from my days. I’ll never be seen spending my day eating bonbons or napping away the day. I’m restless and will always be working on something. Maybe I compete with myself. Where are you on the range of competitiveness and how do you factor this in to achieve balance with the rest of your life?

• BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD:  Speak with integrity.  Says only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

• DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY:  Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

• DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS:  Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

• ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST:  Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will void self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.