There have been various accounts of people getting caught in a similar difficult situation, but who came out of the experience feeling different – with some less negatively affected than others.  This could have been based on how they perceived their situation and whether they acted to overcome their circumstances and potential negative effect versus becoming passive.

What situations have you felt you’ve overcome well?  Are there tools that you developed that you rely on as a result to continue to overcome difficulties?

I’ve blogged about similar topics along with writing articles for magazines.  I’ve gotten to the point where I wanted to challenge myself with a bigger piece of work.  I’m now polishing up my first (hopefully) ebook entitled:  “In Search of Ganesha, the God of Overcoming Obstacles.”

Look for it within a week!  In it, I share my own experiences on this topic, my reflections, lessons I’ve learned (and still learning), along with tools I’ve found useful that I try to utilize.

Update 8/11/11:  Here is the link to purchase the ebook:  http://uploadnsell.com/buy/k3bEbI

Maya enjoying a Caribbean beach 2 weeks ago

We returned late the night of July 11 from Cancun, Mexico where we had vacationed for a week at the Riviera Maya. It had been an exhausting full day journey from the resort to our city of Denver, CO.  The following day, we had an appointment to get feedback from our daughter Maya’s evaluation for autism, which we had just before leaving.

Maya had been seeing a speech and OT therapist the past year for some delays, but we had been getting very encouraging signs about her progress.  We were being regularly told by friends that she did not appear to have the disorder.  Her OT therapist was also doubtful, particularly as we got close to the evaluation on June 24.  She was concerned about our time and energy being wasted with the lengthy evaluation.

As a result, we were also assuming that we would get a clean bill of health regarding our daughter, particularly me.  We discussed how we would handle it if we received the diagnosis of autism and we decided that there was no way to fully prepare.  We would just have to take the blow and begin the process of dealing with it; if that is where we would be.  And that is how it went.  The two psychologists met with us for two hours on the afternoon of the 12th in a small room and gave us the news upfront.  Then they patiently waited as we absorbed the hit and placed some tissue between us, which I soon required.  Then I tried to ask every question I could think of and to understand what I could, while being in the mental haze of  jet lag.

On the way home, after leaving a message with the OT therapist on the result, I bawled all the way home.  She called back and we chatted while I was parked in my garage.

Exploring a flower at the Mexican resort

Pooja

My Dearest Pooja,

it feels challenging to even accept that I’m writing to you in the universe as of 6/3/11, rather than find you in my home, to tell you directly how much you have meant to me.  The words have been forming, and they feel inadequate.

• You have been my anchor for 15 years.
• You have been part of the definition of my existence.
• My daily script included you.
• We have been extremely loyal to each other and have been there together during ups and downs.  I nursed you through a life-threatening dog attack, hip surgery and various life changes, as you nursed me by being my constant, loving companion, though bossy and ornery at times, just as I was.

Dear Pooja, how do I continue my loyalty to you now?  How do I continue to take care of you now?  This phase doesn’t fit in the script of my life and function with you.  Where do I go from here?

I am not and was not ready for the story of you and me to end.  Maybe you knew that and you left me on a Friday when my husband could help that weekend with my daughter so I could grieve and also leaving after my son was out of school, as he will be there tomorrow when my husband goes back to work.  He is also spared having to face school during this time of healing.

I can not be mad at you because that would make me not loyal and devoted to you.  But I have felt mad at something for taking you away from me in a way that I can’t even get you back.  There is not a chance of reunion in this lifetime for me and when you got lost and I found you at the shelter.

Your passing does not have a solution like your previous wounds; I can not fix it, and I am not in control.  That must be part of the loyal, parental anger I feel.  I would not desert you and I would find you to the end of the Earth, as I know you would do for me.  But you are not on this Earth now and I have been paralyzed and lost with grief and shock.  Now what?  How do I march forward without you by my side?

You have been the security blanket I’ve unknowingly had for 15 years.  All was well at a basic, constant level when you were in the picture.  You helped me feel secure, grounded, centered, and loved.  It is hard to look at any space in my home and notice that you are not in it.  With you in my life, the days seemed sunnier, the flowers felt prettier, and smelled nicer.  I cared more about having my plants grow and enjoying the warmer weather with you.  I enjoyed the breeze through you, watching you sniff it, basking in the sun and environment around you in our back yard, just within the past week.  How do I experience and enjoy life without you?

Your deteriorating health sent me to tears, as I was forced to consider the inevitable with your age.  Reading about potential help with your ailments (that I was aware of) gave me hope, which I held to as you went to see the vet this Friday, 6/3.  I assumed you would come home that night with medication to fix things, and I would continue my regimen of caring for you and the rest of my kids.  I was not prepared to consider you may not come home.  Now I try to conjure up every moment of that day, as it ended up being my last with you.  Had I known it would be, would it be easier?  Or is it like children getting a vaccination shot, when you may not want them to know the exact moment and be distracted, to lessen the pain and fear of anticipation?

Your loyalty extended to my children, whom you watched enter the world, grow, and love you.  You chose to sleep near me at the end of the day, every single day, even when your back legs were failing you recently, and you would push your body up to your spot in my room and life.  When we limited how much you pushed your body by restricting you and you stopped protesting with your barks; I was filled with sadness, knowing your were resigning to a new phase.  This was not the Pooja I knew, and I was scared.

I am so sorry for being so bad at letting you go, and if that caused you further suffering and a heavier burden.  I’m sorry for my selfishness in thinking there would not ever be a good time for you to go.  You ended up looking after me even in your passing by ensuring I was with the support I needed.

As much as I hurt in losing you, I will never regret the love you brought in my life and that of my family the past 15 years, which will always be a part of me.  You have blessed me and my family immeasurably.  Thank you, Pooja, you are a “prayer” answered, as your name means.  I pray that I will see you someday, in your peak physical form, flying through the air to catch a frisbee and chasing tennis balls.

Tennis balls will remind me of you along with everything else.  For now, just waking up, breathing and looking at anything reminds me of you.  My heart aches and feels empty at the same time.  I don’t want to be disloyal by not thinking about you and letting you go in anyway feels disloyal.  Giving up your body felt disloyal.  I will never be able to feel your soft ears that felt like the plant lamb’s ear in my yard.

Two weekends ago, I was noticing your triangular ears perked up as you were lounging next to my husband in the park.  You did not look aged.  You were beautiful, majestic, serene, and proud.  Looking into your eyes felt like I was looking at an old soul and that you could see my soul.  I am grateful for choosing to look into those eyes as you passed from this world.  And then I looked at the dreaded sight of your body not going up and down with breath.  You were still.  Your eyes and gaze remained the same.

Pooja, I will love you forever.  You are a part of me and my family and always will be.  I will be honoring you every time I love and nurture my family that I will always be loyal to, as you have been.  Rest in peace, my Princess Pooja and now my angel.

Pooja, Colin, and Bhalloo 1/18/10

My sleeping gain

Lately, I’ve had to come to terms with the idea of loss more – something I think I’ve had to deal with in varying degrees with some challenging peaks.  It got to an overwhelming point and I had to remind myself how I got to the other “normal” side before.

Loss is something we deal with everyday at different levels.  Everyday, our bodies are 1 day older and we gradually have to let go of a previous notion of what we could expect.  We become one day older and we have to let go of the previous day in order to embrace a new day and all that it offers.

One aspect of loss is that it is often one side of a coin.  If we can manage to look enough, we can sometimes see the gain on the other side.  I experienced this gain as I kissed my smiling toddler before she went to slept.   This miraculous creature was in my life now and had not been there only two short years ago.  It is true that when one door is shut, another often opens, even if we have to be patient and wait for it or try to have enough awareness to notice it.

For a long time, marriage counselors and others thought that couples had the best chance of staying together if they had similar backgrounds and interests.  But recently, experts have developed a different view.  Many now believe that common backgrounds and interests may be less important than other factors, such as differences in values, how couples handle disagreements, or how committed they are.

Every couple is different, so there’s no one-size fits-all formula for a good relationship.  But people who’ve stayed together for a long time tend to have some of the same things in common.  Here are ten tips based on the conclusions experts have drawn from studying successful relationships:

1.  Have a strong commitment to making your relationship work.

Many couples start out with a strong commitment to their relationship but, after a while, begin to give it less attention.  They might neglect each other while focusing on their work, children, or a time-consuming hobby.  In strong relationships, both people may have outside interests, but they continue to make their commitment to each other a top priority.

Staying committed begins with accepting that having a good relationship takes work.  Problems can occur in any relationship, and both people have to make compromises and adjustments.  So it’s important to accept some difficulties or “rough patches” as normal and inevitable.  Instead of trying to pretend that they don’t happen, make a commitment to solving your problems together.

2.  Think of yourselves as friends, not just a couple.

Couples who stay together see themselves as good friends.  They share a variety of activities, enjoy each other’s company, provide support in good times and bad, and they don’t take each other for granted.

3.  Accept each other’s limitations.

Nobody is perfect, and long-lasting couples accept this and learn  to cherish each other despite their flaws.  One of the biggest challenges you may face as a couple is learning to live with many different kinds of shortcomings.  In the early stages of a relationship, both of you may have to accept only small limitations.  (One of you is messy and the other is neat, or one of you always wants to try new restaurants while the other would like to have a home-cooked meal every night.)  Over time, you may have to cope with larger disappointments – for example, that one of you has never achieved a big career dream or earned as much money as you’d hoped.  At every stage of your relationships, it’s important for both of you to know that you’ll love and cherish each other even if things don’t always work out as expected.

4.  See yourself as equal partners.

In successful relationships, two people may have different roles, but they see themselves as equal partners.  They don’t regard one person’s views or interests as more important than the other’s.  Each person feels that he or she is making a vital contribution to the relationship.

One of the best ways to foster this kind of equality is to ask for the other person’s opinion frequently and show that you value it.  Try to make joint decisions on big issues – deciding how to save for retirement or how to divide up the household responsibilities – and learn to find creative solutions or make compromises when you can’t agree.

5.  Pay attention to how you communicate.

More than two-thirds of the couples who seek counseling say that their problems include poor communication.  It’s vital to learn how to communicate with your partner so that both of you are able to express your needs and desires clearly.  One study found that couples can stay close by spending as little as twenty minutes a day simply talking to each other.

The quality of your conversation also matters.  Researchers have found that couples who stay together are much more likely to give each other praise, support, or encouragement than those who break up.  Many people in long-lasting relationships make a point of saying “I love you” every day.  Others continually show their affection in small ways.  They may touch or hug frequently, give each other back rubs, or tuck romantic notes into the other person’s lunch bag or briefcase.  It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as you and your partner show each other how much you care.

6.  Develop a support system.

When they fall in love, many couples think they don’t need anybody but each other.  In the long run, this usually turns out to be untrue.  Maintaining a good relationship is difficult enough that most couples who stay together need a lot of support along the way.  This may come from their friends or family.  But it can also come from groups or organizations that reflect their deepest values.

Some couple develop a support system naturally.  They have large and close families, or they’re naturally outgoing and make friends easily.  If you haven’t found a support system this way, you may be able to develop one by making an extra effort to reach out to others.  Sometimes you can find support by getting involved in a community group such as a parents’ organization, a religious organization, or an athletic team.  It’s also helpful to take the first step to reach out to others – for example, by organizing a block party or inviting a co-worker who’s new to town to have dinner with you and your family.

7.  Handle disagreements constructively.

Even in the strongest relationships, it isn’t usually possible, or healthy, to try to avoid all disagreements.  A desire to avoid conflict can lead couples to ignore problems until they become too big to handle.  A healthy argument can help to clear the air and clarify different points of view.

Since it’s impossible to avoid all arguments, it is important to deal constructively with your differences.  This means avoiding personal attacks during arguments or discussions, which can destroy your trust in each other or chip away at your feelings of being loved and valued.

No matter how upset you feel, try to focus on the issues involved in a disagreement, not on who’s “right” or “wrong.”  If you’re unhappy that your spouse doesn’t pay the bill on time, don’t accuse him or her of being lazy or neglectful.  Instead, you might say, “I’m concerned about how late we’re paying our bills.  This could affect our ability to buy a house someday.”  Or “I’ve noticed that we’ve had a lot of late charges on our bills.  Do we need to work out a better system for making sure these get paid on time?”

8.  Make sure each of you has some privacy and independence.

In the early stages of a romance, couples may want to do almost everything together.  But over time, most couples realize that each person needs room to grow and develop, not just as a part of a couple, but as an individual.

In practical terms, this means that each member of the couple needs time alone or with friends away from the other.  Allowing each other some independence is a way of giving your relationship room to “breathe” and showing that you respect another’s unique needs and interests.

9.  Share rituals and traditions.

Almost every successful relationship involves some cherished rituals and traditions that help to bind a couple together.  Some couples share daily rituals, such as eating dinner together or talking before bedtime, even if one person is traveling and the conversation takes place by phone.  Others enjoy weekly rituals such as going to religious services or to a favorite restaurant every Friday night.  Still others have annual traditions such as holding a Fourth of July barbecue or attending a special holiday concert.

These activities help couples to define their values and can become a kind of emotional glue that holds them together.  The specific rituals you choose aren’t as important as whether yours have a meaning and importance for you and your partner.  You might want to adapt the favorite traditions of both your families, create some new ones, or use a combination of both.

10.  Have Fun.

No matter how hard they work, couples who stay together usually make time for fun.  Some set aside one night a week for a “date” with each other even if you just go out for pizza or for a moonlit walk.  What you do isn’t important, what’s important is that you spend time together having fun.

In order to keep having fun as a couple, you’ll need to keep re-evaluating your definition of “fun.”  If you aren’t enjoying your life together as much as you used to, you may want to take up a new interest or activity that the two of you can share, such as a hobby, a sport, or a volunteer project.  You don’t have to have the same interests, but try to find at least one thing that you can enjoy together.

Most strong relationships include at least some of the 10 characteristics listed above.  You and your partner can make building a strong relationship a priority by working these tips and characteristics into your everyday lives.

Source:  Ceridian Corporation

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The first day, my team and I were the “POO CREW”.  While the elephants are on their daily walks, we go into their

Nasiya and her friend Marleen (two of the members of the "Poo Crew") collecting elephant dung so one day the fibers can be made into Elephant Dung paper products.

carrals and clean up their elephant dung and urine. Now, before you scrunch up your nose and dismiss all possibilities of ever volunteering with ENP, let me tell you: it’s NOT that bad! Since the elephants have a vegetarian diet, their dung is really not pungent (if anything, the urine is a bit smelly, but it’s not that wi

despread through their carral). We scoop the dung up and then transport it to a reserve so it can be used to create beautiful elephant dung paper.  Another way to make money for the sanctuary!

"Cutting grass for the elephants' afternoon munch-time"

Other jobs we did as volunteers that week included washing the elephants’ fruits/vegetables and preparing their food baskets, cutting corn and grass for the elephants, bathing the elephants, feeding them, repairing/maintaining certain areas of the park, planting/watering trees (since it was the dry season), etc. The work was never extremely difficult or strenuous.

"Feeding baskets being carried by volunteers. Each elephant has a certain amount of food that they need everyday."

We received plenty of breaks and our volunteer coordinators made sure that we were well hydrated during the day.  It was the best volunteering experience, as I’ve been on volunteer trips where I’ve stood around a lot, waiting for things to do. It wasn’t like that at ENP.  There was plenty of work, but it was enjoyable.

As far as accommodations, we stayed in these simple but lovely bungalows. The bathrooms are with a western shower and toilet and cleaned every day. I received my own room and the best part was that my room was right next to the carrals where the two babies, Faa Mai and Chang Yim lived. Every morning, before breakfast, I would visit with the adorable little rascals and every afternoon before I went to my room to wash up, I would visit again while Lek sung the babies a lullaby and put them to sleep.  It’s one of the most beautiful things you could witness.

The food? THE FOOD. It is INCREDIBLE!! I don’t think I’ve eaten this well…ever! I usually end up gaining a few pounds after visiting ENP, despite the work I do during the day. We pile our plates with so many items, it’s heavenly. Plus, being a vegetarian, it was perfect for me, as most of the dishes were free of animal products. Even carnivores are very happy after eating at ENP!!

Not only is ENP home to rescued elephants, but there are also rescued dogs, cats, buffalo, cows and other animals! Lek encourages the rescue of any animal, and condemns any form of animal tourism/entertainment. In addition to that, Lek  provides work for the local villagers by employing them at the sanctuary.  There are even ladies who come after dinner and provide Thai foot and full body massages, starting at only 350 Thai Bhat!

No wonder this is one of my favorite places on the planet.”

Steps to Stop Emotional Eating
1. Stop Hiding: Be accountable to yourself, food, and family. Don’t have “secret” meals.
2. Be Mindful (vs. Mindless): This refers to slowing down your eating and appreciating your food with all your senses. Do a raisin experiment – put one on your tongue and focus on how it feels. Then chew and swallow while noticing and appreciating it as it goes into your digestive system. Eating mindfully has been shown to help people eat less and gain less weight.
3. Feed yourself without food: Feed yourself emotionally. Reach out to others and spend time with them.
4. Make a safety plan: This refers to what you’re going to do instead of eating, such as calling a friend, going for a walk, or taking a warm bath. Using peppermint oil helps invigorate the senses and helps connect with your mood. Most importantly, the safety plan starts before entering the kitchen.

Exercise and love yourself!

Source: Dr. Oz

• BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD:  Speak with integrity.  Says only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

• DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY:  Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

• DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS:  Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want.  Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.  With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

• ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST:  Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick.  Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will void self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

This lovely saying is from the front of a card I keep on the board above my workspace, where it is always visible.  It is also a very relevant saying as we begin the new year.  I have refrained from making any formal resolutions.  Instead, I try to be vigilant about any areas for improvement as they come up and take note to address.

January is International Life Balance Month (or quality of life month).  It’s a great time to reflect on your life and think about the areas you want to see progress on.  Maybe this will be the month and year that you do something about your passions.  Maybe there is even a way to turn a passion into a side venture that can turn into something full-time.  A recession can be viewed as an opportunity to really be doing something you want to be doing or at least make a start.  I feel passionate about writing and being an entrepreneur.  This year, I would like to go further with that interest.

What is holding you back?  What can be done to get out of a rut if you find yourself in one? I have another quote on my board in front of me:  “you will never really change your life until you change something you do daily.”  This is very true and we have to aspire to trying to make any change, as minor as it may seem, EVERYDAY.  Think about this everyday and be conscious of it.

Another quote I have on my desk, that I have had for many years, is by Henry David Thoreau on goals:  “If one advances confidently in the direction of their dreams, and endeavors to lead a life they have imagined, they will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.”

I wish you all new journeys to begin and new reasons to celebrate.   Happy new year! 

Habit 1 is to be proactive.  The big point he makes with this habit is that we have choices in life that determine the outcome we end up with.  If we didn’t like a particular outcome in the past, we can choose according to the outcome we want in the future.  He points out that we design our life by these choices, so that life doesn’t “happen” to us.  Being proactive is more than taking initiative.  It is also about taking responsibility for our lives and responding to events and circumstances based on our values rather than reacting. “Instead of blaming circumstances, conditions, or chance for our behavior, we choose our own responses and make our own decisions.”

Exercising this habit also means using proactive language such as “I can” and “I will” rather than reactive language such as “I can’t” or “If only.”  Focusing on what they can control is an important aspect of proactive people.  Understanding how we spend our energies is a big step towards being more proactive.

Sources: Stephen Covey, Franklin Covey