My sleeping gain

Lately, I’ve had to come to terms with the idea of loss more – something I think I’ve had to deal with in varying degrees with some challenging peaks.  It got to an overwhelming point and I had to remind myself how I got to the other “normal” side before.

Loss is something we deal with everyday at different levels.  Everyday, our bodies are 1 day older and we gradually have to let go of a previous notion of what we could expect.  We become one day older and we have to let go of the previous day in order to embrace a new day and all that it offers.

One aspect of loss is that it is often one side of a coin.  If we can manage to look enough, we can sometimes see the gain on the other side.  I experienced this gain as I kissed my smiling toddler before she went to slept.   This miraculous creature was in my life now and had not been there only two short years ago.  It is true that when one door is shut, another often opens, even if we have to be patient and wait for it or try to have enough awareness to notice it.

Parenthood and perfectionism is of course a misnomer.  I doubt there has ever been a parent that felt “perfect.”  Probably the biggest mistake parents make is to expect such a standard from themselves and then kick themselves for not reaching it.  Guilt seems synonymous with being parents.  We never feel we are doing enough or being enough for our kids.

A New York Times article on Perfectionist Parents points to a study that expectant moms that have the highest expectations of themselves as parents are more likely to suffer postpartum depression later when self-imposed standards are not met.  A reader shared advice from her doctor when she became pregnant:  “She explained that I had just lost control of my life and had nine months to make peace with it.  It was the best advice I was ever given on parenting.”  Another reader commented that she found parenthood to be the perfect antidote for perfectionism.

Maybe a solution is to allow for some mediocrity and then pat ourselves when we go above that.  It could mean less guilt and stress when our standard is not so high all the time.

Parents commonly compare their kids – I have been guilty of the same.  We want to know the status of our children by making sure they are doing at least what other kids their age and gender are doing.  Parenting is the only job and role where we don’t get feedback.  Even our marriage partners will certainly let us know if we fall in expected standards!

Alas, parenthood, expectations of perfection, and of course the resulting guilt go hand-in-hand.  There are not many parents that begin the day with thinking “I will just try to get through the day or just try to make sure that my child survives.”  However, it may help on certain days to just tell yourself, “hey, everybody made it alive today!”  And try to go to bed peacefully and without guilt…

The first day, my team and I were the “POO CREW”.  While the elephants are on their daily walks, we go into their

Nasiya and her friend Marleen (two of the members of the "Poo Crew") collecting elephant dung so one day the fibers can be made into Elephant Dung paper products.

carrals and clean up their elephant dung and urine. Now, before you scrunch up your nose and dismiss all possibilities of ever volunteering with ENP, let me tell you: it’s NOT that bad! Since the elephants have a vegetarian diet, their dung is really not pungent (if anything, the urine is a bit smelly, but it’s not that wi

despread through their carral). We scoop the dung up and then transport it to a reserve so it can be used to create beautiful elephant dung paper.  Another way to make money for the sanctuary!

"Cutting grass for the elephants' afternoon munch-time"

Other jobs we did as volunteers that week included washing the elephants’ fruits/vegetables and preparing their food baskets, cutting corn and grass for the elephants, bathing the elephants, feeding them, repairing/maintaining certain areas of the park, planting/watering trees (since it was the dry season), etc. The work was never extremely difficult or strenuous.

"Feeding baskets being carried by volunteers. Each elephant has a certain amount of food that they need everyday."

We received plenty of breaks and our volunteer coordinators made sure that we were well hydrated during the day.  It was the best volunteering experience, as I’ve been on volunteer trips where I’ve stood around a lot, waiting for things to do. It wasn’t like that at ENP.  There was plenty of work, but it was enjoyable.

As far as accommodations, we stayed in these simple but lovely bungalows. The bathrooms are with a western shower and toilet and cleaned every day. I received my own room and the best part was that my room was right next to the carrals where the two babies, Faa Mai and Chang Yim lived. Every morning, before breakfast, I would visit with the adorable little rascals and every afternoon before I went to my room to wash up, I would visit again while Lek sung the babies a lullaby and put them to sleep.  It’s one of the most beautiful things you could witness.

The food? THE FOOD. It is INCREDIBLE!! I don’t think I’ve eaten this well…ever! I usually end up gaining a few pounds after visiting ENP, despite the work I do during the day. We pile our plates with so many items, it’s heavenly. Plus, being a vegetarian, it was perfect for me, as most of the dishes were free of animal products. Even carnivores are very happy after eating at ENP!!

Not only is ENP home to rescued elephants, but there are also rescued dogs, cats, buffalo, cows and other animals! Lek encourages the rescue of any animal, and condemns any form of animal tourism/entertainment. In addition to that, Lek  provides work for the local villagers by employing them at the sanctuary.  There are even ladies who come after dinner and provide Thai foot and full body massages, starting at only 350 Thai Bhat!

No wonder this is one of my favorite places on the planet.”

"A lovely early morning walk with the elephants and their mahouts"

A friend that I met through the local vegetarian meet-up, Nasiya Amoroso, has impressed me with her volunteer efforts, along with those of her husband’s.  This past Spring, she told me about a trip she was going to embark on to an elephant sanctuary that sounded particularly enticing.  Then I thought about my family responsibilities and decided I will go when my toddler is older.  I asked her to allow me and others to experience it vicariously at least, by sharing her experience on my blog.  Following is her description of her trip, in her own words, in three parts.  Stay tuned the next few days for the remaining parts.

Part 1

“I try to take a volunteer vacation every year and I usually try to experience a different volunteer location every time. So, I couldn’t understand why my husband chose to return to Zambia every year to build houses. I understand about commitment and wanting to establish roots in one location so you can see progress (which is what lead him to create www.zambiabuild.org), but I always felt the urge to try something new every year.

That is, until I discovered Elephant Nature Park outside Chiang Mai, Thailand: www.elephantnaturepark.org

I’m an animal advocate, but surprisingly have never been on a volunteer trip that directly affects animals. But my experience at the Elephant Nature Park (ENP) was absolutely surreal and each time it leaves me with the wheels turning, making plans for the “next time”.

Elephant trekking, circus shows, elephant street begging, elephant painting, and other forms of elephant tourism may seem harmless and make the elephants look “happy” doing what they do.  But, there’s nothing “happy” about their situation. Most of these elephants go through the Thai pajaan technique (look it up online) or other forms of torture in order to make them submissive.  If you see an elephant holding a paintbrush about to create a beautiful work of art, or riding a bicycle…THINK about what they might have gone through before performing that task.

The goal of ENP is to provide a safe haven for abused and/or neglected elephants so they can live a life as close to their natural habitat as possible. Lek, the founder, has rescued over 30 elephants with extremely heartbreaking stories. It’s hard to come here and not shed any tears.  The history of the rescued elephants are heartbreaking.  But the good thing is the tears you shed may also be tears of relief, as these majestic creatures are finally living a life they deserve to live.

ENP not only takes volunteers for days, weeks or months, but it’s also a revolutionary way to support ethical eco-tourism, as day visitors are also welcome.  You get to support the park and the rescue of these poor elephants through your volunteer dollars or park entrance fee.  But, you are not supporting the exploitation or abuse of these elephants since they are not in chains, nor confined and no bull-hooks are used. The elephants live their lives naturally, and you still get interaction with the elephants (you even have the opportunity to bathe them!).  Each elephant has a full-time mahout, so I never felt unsafe around any of the elephants.”

The Story of Mae Do

"Mae Do, one of the saddest stories before her rescue from ENP"

Every place on the planet is far away for someone and thus can be cause for one to feel disengaged.  With the advancement of technology, places have become closer and closer.  Our world is more similar than dissimilar.  A relative recently commented on a photo of my daughter in Utah.  He said it looked like a photo of my ancestral village in Pakistan.  Both are deserts and geographically very similar.

We are all vulnerable one way or another.  If a disaster involved us, we would want the world to reach out to us.  Pakistanis affected by the floods, especially the children, deserve to be assisted.  They did not ask for this, just as the Haitians did not ask for the earthquake.  The magnitude of the disaster in Pakistan may end up being the greatest of the decade, yet the aid thus far has been a fraction of that provided for other recent tragedies.  The following article may provide some insight into why this is occurring:

4 Reasons Why Americans Aren’t Giving for Pakistan Flood Relief – International – The Atlantic

The comments below the article are interesting.  I am attaching the following that resonated in particular for me:

“Uncle_Fred 5 days ago

Today is the 40th anniversary of Earth Day and it’s a great day to reflect on ways we can be more environmentally-conscious.  Being conscious of my actions on the environment is a daily part of my life.   Ways that I maintain this consciousness on a regular basis include recycling and being a vegetarian.

I have been a vegetarian my entire life.  My diet and lifestyle began as a result of being from a vegetarian Indian family.  I’m glad I was raised that way as it seems much easier to just remain in the lifestyle rather than switching.  I chose to give my kids that gift by raising them vegetarian.

As a teenager, I researched vegetarianism and decided the lifestyle made sense to me at numerous levels, including environmental.  I was interviewed by the Vegetarian Times regarding my thoughts and beliefs.  I chose vegetarianism as my topic for Original Oratory in debate class competitions in high school.  I memorized the speech overnight and competed the next day with veterans.  I ended up being a quarter-finalist in the state of NC.  Judges told me that the speech opened their eyes and they would consider the diet.  I think the part of my speech that stood out the most for them was regarding the composition of hot dogs.

As an adult, I’m devoted to recycling.  My husband might call me somewhat of a hoarder at times because I don’t like to waste anything.  I was the first in my neighborhood to request an extra green bin from my town to hold my recycling and had my second regular black bin picked up (never need it).  In my family, we are trained to evaluate every piece of trash and determine if it goes into our recycling bin or regular trash bin.  This includes my preteen son.

I rarely use paper towels, preferring dish cloths for wiping up spills.  We regularly use cloth napkins at meals.  We use energy-efficient bulbs throughout the house along with any appliance purchases.  Left-over food is stored for future meals or given to our dogs.  Dogs can help a lot with recycling and preventing waste.  We make sure our dishwasher and washing machine is completely full before running it.  I remind my husband at least a few times a week to stop idling when I’m in the car with him.

We also compost.  We have a compost bin in our yard and are trying to perfect the art and science of composting.  Next to our trash and recycling containers in my kitchen pantry, we also have a compost container.  In there we put our vegetable scraps and anything else that can be composted, like dryer lint.  My husband and I debate somewhat the ingredients that will result in perfect compost.  It is a shared interest and goes perfectly with my gardening interest.  I like that not only am I not wasting and creating more junk for landfills, but helping my yard and garden out at the same time.

At my boutique, I offer environmentally-conscious fabric gift bags.  They are reusable, affordable, and save trees by replacing paper.

Fabric gift bags at Komal Style Boutique

What are ways that you honor the Earth in your life?

Finding others with such an interest is not very common, particularly in the dating scene I experienced.  Small talk can get boring fast if it doesn’t lead to more depth.   To engage in deep conversations, people have to be willing to expose themselves at some level.

The article states that “substantive conversation seemed to hold the key to happiness for two main reasons:

• human beings are driven to find and create meaning in their lives
• we are social animals who want and need to connect with other people.

By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world.  And interpersonally, as you find this meaning, you bond with your interactive partner, and we know that interpersonal connection and integration is a core fundamental foundation of happiness.”

If talking deeply has not been your thing, you can experiment by trying to do some more every day and see how you feel, perhaps with your significant other.  You may find that you two become more intimate.  If you are male, I can almost assure you of it as a female.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard a female friend complain that her mate spoke too deeply with her.

Source:  New York Times

I first was exposed to the issue as a teen when working for a counseling hot-line that began accepting suicide calls.  Speaking with individuals in such a challenging state was profound.  I myself struggled with the issue in my former marriage.  I could relate to the concept of losing one’s perspective when in a dysfunctional circumstance.  I have also lost an uncle and a cousin by suicide, possibly related to bipolar disorder.

A friend I met at my son’s baby playgroup in 1998 and now also attending my Unitarian church, Sally Spencer-Thomas, shares her work on suicide prevention.

“On December 7, 2004, my younger brother Carson died by suicide after a difficult struggle with bipolar disorder, and my life was forever changed. I had been a psychologist and counselor for over a decade, and I knew a lot of things about mental health, but after this experience my soul has shifted. I have dedicated my life to both celebrating my brother’s amazing entrepreneurial spirit and preventing what happened to him from happening to others.

In the Spring of 2005 our family and Carson’s friends established a nonprofit called, The Carson J Spencer Foundation . We envision a world where leaders and communities are dedicated to sustaining a passion for life. We sustain a passion for life through suicide prevention, social enterprise and support for emerging leaders. In our work with suicide prevention we have established ourselves as the first organization in the U.S. to develop a program that is exclusively dedicated to helping workplaces develop a comprehensive suicide prevention initiative called Working Minds.  It’s a little known fact that the majority of people who die by suicide are men of working age, so we have found some innovative ways to reach out.  We also know that we need to start younger, so I speak professionally on college campuses around the country and promoting our message that “People Prevent Suicide.”

One of our other successes has been to partner with Junior Achievement to teach high school business students about the art of social enterprise. Student groups from around Colorado develop business plans and compete for seed money, but unlike the usual business plan competition, ours has a unique challenge. These students must develop a product or service that raises both money and awareness for suicide prevention. They first conduct a needs assessment by surveying their classmates and learning about resources, and then they develop a plan that addresses some root cause of the problem. We also award one Junior Achievement student each year with a “Rising Star” scholarship to help him or her get to college.

Finally, we support families bereaved by suicide. When a loved one dies from suicide, families often find they are traumatized, isolated and filled with haunting questions.  We send iCare packages through The Gifts of Hope to these families — offering resources such as books, music and tip sheets and referrals to support groups. Working in these areas has been tremendously fulfilling for me, and I feel that Carson is with me, giving me support along the way.”

1. Take into account that great love and great achievement involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs:  Respect for self, respect for others, responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life.  Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation.  Don’t bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge.  It’s a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

More thoughts

Although we donated to the Red Cross, it seemed very passive and frustrating that more can not be done.  I’m sure many of us have felt the urge to get on a plane and be there, which of course is impractical given the country’s infrastructure barely being able to allow the planes that are trying to get there, and other impracticalities that would make us get in the way of helping, along with our responsibilities at home.

Many of us are turning to our faiths and spirituality to try to make sense of it all.  I believe in reincarnation and that we have souls that go on.  I like to believe that there is a bigger plan that we may not be aware of.  It is comforting to think that the souls who lost their physical bodies in Haiti will be born again to live out their purpose and journeys.

I believe that our souls have been around perhaps for different lengths, so some of us may have older souls than others.  I’m sure some of us have felt this when thinking of others in our lives!  It can make us more compassionate to others if they don’t seem to “get it” or appear immature for their ages.  Maybe their souls are younger??  I think this way about my ex.

Regardless of the above beliefs, I do feel strongly that we have to do what is within our power to try to make the world a better place.  It is our moral obligation and “dharma,”  which is related to performing good acts and achieving good “karma,” which lasts into future lives.

On a practical level, in the realm of what we can do, many of us want to make sure that what we do donate does the maximum good.   Organizations that can help with sorting out the most effective charitable companies include Charity Navigator and Guide Star.  There has been some controversy regarding the salary of the CEO of the Red Cross (apparently $500-$700k).  This has been compared to the salary of the CEO for Hope for Haiti (apparently about $53k).  It seems Hope for Haiti has been focused on helping Haiti and perhaps your money can go further towards helping Haiti by donating to this organization.