For almost the past two years, I have been trying to start an Indian importing business called Komal Style Boutique. I am originally from India, so have a natural attachment to anything Indian and want to combine that with my interest in business and having a venue to be able to do socially-conscious work in India. I’ve come to learn over the years that my interest in India may be greater than it is to many who are from India and that it is somewhat complicated as I have also had some frustrations with my heritage. At times, I have had a “love/hate” relationship with India. As an Indian/American going to India, I have been frustrated by not being able to efficiently get things done and struggling with issues such as finding a decent toilet when traveling there. That was quickly surpassed by seeing all the beauty and spirit around me; in the smiles on the faces of villagers and the serenity of women going about their daily rituals.
I am also proud to be an American and to have grown up here. The pride in being both an American and an Indian have at times conflicted. I’ve defended Americans when Indians said they don’t care about the elderly. I had personal experience at the time of knowing someone who took great care of his elderly mother. I’ve defended India against limited views and perspectives some Americans have had of the country, such as believing it is just like what they might see on a Sally Struthers commercial depicting people struggling with poverty. Many Indians take offense to this view and for this reason object to movies like “Slum Dog Millionaire.” They want people to know that Indian life is much more broad and India is emerging very rapidly as a country to be reckoned with. In fact, the most new millionaires have been from India recently.
There is a huge increasing middle-class and the normal middle-class lifestyle of having a cook, maid, nanny, and perhaps a driver. They didn’t understand the simplicity of life and the ordinariness of it at times, how the days for many women consisted of domestic pursuits such as making sure there were three great meals, visiting neighbors and relatives over savory snacks and chai, and of course getting a nap in every day around 3pm. It is a pleasant, mellow life. In comparison, most women here are running around trying to multi-task as much as possible to try to cross a few things off on their “Things to do list.”
It is good to understand different cultures and have respect for one another. Americans would want people in other cultures to know that life here is more than what they see in an old John Wayne western. It’s perhaps a good start, though, to getting a glimpse of the wonderful American spirit.
As someone who has been raised in the US (but from India), that makes me an “ABCD – American Born Confused Desi (“Desi” means “from India”).” This designation is in contrast to an “FOB (Fresh off the Boat).” I was once married to an FOB who enlightened me on my label, with some derision, of course. We regularly engaged in some good-natured debating on who was “better.” I felt I was eclectic – able to choose what was best from two cultures and make it my own, a part of who I am. He thought I was just confused. Maybe so. I know that other ABCDs I’ve known have felt the same way, mostly confused.
As teens, we talked about our longing for India – the country and people left behind. To some extent, we felt that we were temporary visitors to the US. As a female, I felt that I left “sisters” behind – females who did not have the advantages I would by living in a country where opportunities were abundant.
Many of our parents were glad to have brought us to the country to further our lives. Yet at the same time, there was resistance to our mixing in too much with the “West.” We were to retain as much “Indianness” as possible, whatever that meant at the moment. There was much resistance, particularly with my own family, to a culture that was attractive enough to warrant moving here. I wondered at times, growing up, why we did move here if it was so terrible.
When I married the FOB, as was the plan for me, I learned that while I was busy measuring up to an Indian standard handed down to me, Indians in India were becoming more and more “American.” How ironic. I learned that my FOB spouse had in some ways already lived a more American life than I had, in India.
The country was evolving, even more rapidly recently. These days, it seems one can feel as American or Indian as one wants regardless of the country they actually live in. It’s really more a state of mind rather than actual geographic place. It’s possibly best to not even make a distinction. We’re just individuals influenced by our backgrounds at different levels.
We came back from our first real family vacation with our baby on Sunday the 5th. I learned that my oldest sister had been in the hospital the past three weeks and was on a ventilator. I wanted to make immediate plans to go over, but was told there would not be anything I could do as she was sedated and would not be aware of my presence. The doctors were going to try some different things and she was stable. She had a cold that she used over the counter drugs for at first, but developed into something so severe she had to be on a ventilator. We decided we would potentially go over the following weekend. I hoped to see her when she was well and could appreciate seeing my baby.
On Monday evening, the 6th, at about 10pm Eastern time, my sister passed. It was unbelievable that something so bizarre could hit so close to home, to someone so young and so much to live for at 47. I had looked forward to the mending and nurturing of the relationship, a push that had apparently been prompted by the passing of my father this past December. It is unfortunate that the relationship had not been nurtured already prior to her passing, as with my father. She was maternal to me as a child and I will treasure the memory of her from then.
I am feeling more aware of the passage of time. There is so much that I want to do, see, and accomplish before my time “is up.” I want to live my life as richly as possible.
The best way I can see to honor someone once they pass is to learn from their life and values. What did they believe in? From my experience and recollection of my sister, she was a devoted housewife most of her life. She was very into trying to keep a clean, nurturing home and took domestic endeavors seriously. I appreciate and relate to this. I believe a home should be run as smoothly and lovingly as possible. It should be a refuge for all and it takes much effort to make it so!
The past few days, I have felt a pull to clean and thought of her as I cleaned and decluttered my home. It lifted my spirits to see the end result. I imagined her smiling. I know caring for my family the best I can is one significant way of honoring her life; taking care of myself will allow me to do so for as long as I can.
Dear sister, I hope your soul is at peace. Thank you for all that you have done for me. You have raised two children into adults you can be proud of and have thereby left a positive, meaningful, and enduring imprint on the planet.
An observation I am making of my 2-year marriage (as of 7/7/09) is that the best I can do for it is to not take myself too seriously and keep things light. My husband and I have been blessed with a good, similar sense of humor, and the more it is utilized, the closer and happier we are. I also am realizing that the more grounded I keep myself by taking care of myself at different levels, I am able to give the best of myself to him. I am also learning that I have to make an effort to keep the spark fresh between us, when it is easy to get wrapped up in family duties.
Another connecting area for us is an appreciation of tennis. He has been playing much of his life and I am a beginner, along with my 11-year-old son. It is nice sharing this passion as a couple and family. It is a way to bond. It will be a treat to watch our infant daughter eventually learn to play so that we can one day all play together.
Sometimes we are not able to spend much time together due to responsibilities or go away on our own. We will be going to CA this weekend for a week as a family vacation and Anniversary celebration. We will have to be creative and find opportunities to be a couple whenever possible, such as when the kids are sleeping. Having separate rooms part of the trip will help. It will also be important to find moments throughout the day to flirt, compliment, and just remind each other of our mutual attraction.
It has been said that in a successful marriage, you get up more than you fall down. This marriage article points to other good tips on maintaining marital harmony: CNN Article on Marriage
Over a year ago, in April of ’08, I was laid off. I had worked in the aerospace industry since 2001, specifically in contracts, and it was time to move on. Prior to that, I had worked primarily in marketing and had finished an MBA in Market Strategy a year prior to the lay-off that I was hoping to eventually utilize to transition back to marketing. In the meantime, my new husband and I were hoping to have a child and it all seemed to be appropriate timing. After a miscarriage around the same time as the lay-off, we were lucky enough to get pregnant soon after and now have a 4 month-old daughter. I already have an 11 year-old son from a previous marriage and feel blessed to have my little girl as well.
One of the issues I struggled with while working outside of the home, particularly as a single mom, was a desire to have more balance in my life and to telecommute more. It was frustrating to have my son in daycare from 6:30am to 6pm while I drove two hours daily to get to and from work. It was the same in the summer when I wanted him to be in specific camps and activities for his enrichment, but had to keep him in full-time daycare because I could not leave work to take him to those activities. It was even more frustrating to realize that most of my work was done using a computer, which I had at home. I was even emailing my colleage in the next office, rather than walking over. The nice, big office with custom furniture I was in seemed wasted. I wondered how much the company would save in facility costs if they didn’t use so many resources for employees; and the employees would be happier because they wouldn’t have to pretend they didn’t have other parts to their lives, and would maybe stay with the company longer! ***sigh***
When I finally requested to possibly leave a few hours earlier to pick up my son from school and work from home, my boss saw it as a personal affront. He thought he was being taken advantage of…
What I’ve come to learn about the lack of support for more telecommuting is a lack of trust from management and a concern from HR that other employees will be jealous. This does not make sense since no supervisor is looking over the shoulders of employees all day long to determine productivity. All one can look at is the ultimate result. Is the work getting done? Co-workers wouldn’t be jealous if they can have the same benefit if they desire. I have seen instances where some employees in some departments got to telecommute some of the time and others did not. Ridiculous! It felt like a clique in high school you couldn’t get into. How did these people become the “chosen telecommuting people??” Were their lives more valuable than mine??
I hope that when my daughter is an adult, much change will have occurred in this area and she will be amazed at the resistance there was in allowing people to have more balance in their lives.
I am always pleased to see women achieve this and the following article is an example: CNN Article on Self-Employment
I am looking forward to sharing my thoughts as I explore and experience my life. There is much that I want to understand…about myself, and the world. The summary of what I seek can be summarized by the words “balance” and “meaning.” I want to know that my life has some purpose; that I am not just clocking in and out every day until I die.
Thank you for sharing my journey with me.
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