Pooja

My Dearest Pooja,

it feels challenging to even accept that I’m writing to you in the universe as of 6/3/11, rather than find you in my home, to tell you directly how much you have meant to me.  The words have been forming, and they feel inadequate.

• You have been my anchor for 15 years.
• You have been part of the definition of my existence.
• My daily script included you.
• We have been extremely loyal to each other and have been there together during ups and downs.  I nursed you through a life-threatening dog attack, hip surgery and various life changes, as you nursed me by being my constant, loving companion, though bossy and ornery at times, just as I was.

Dear Pooja, how do I continue my loyalty to you now?  How do I continue to take care of you now?  This phase doesn’t fit in the script of my life and function with you.  Where do I go from here?

I am not and was not ready for the story of you and me to end.  Maybe you knew that and you left me on a Friday when my husband could help that weekend with my daughter so I could grieve and also leaving after my son was out of school, as he will be there tomorrow when my husband goes back to work.  He is also spared having to face school during this time of healing.

I can not be mad at you because that would make me not loyal and devoted to you.  But I have felt mad at something for taking you away from me in a way that I can’t even get you back.  There is not a chance of reunion in this lifetime for me and when you got lost and I found you at the shelter.

Your passing does not have a solution like your previous wounds; I can not fix it, and I am not in control.  That must be part of the loyal, parental anger I feel.  I would not desert you and I would find you to the end of the Earth, as I know you would do for me.  But you are not on this Earth now and I have been paralyzed and lost with grief and shock.  Now what?  How do I march forward without you by my side?

You have been the security blanket I’ve unknowingly had for 15 years.  All was well at a basic, constant level when you were in the picture.  You helped me feel secure, grounded, centered, and loved.  It is hard to look at any space in my home and notice that you are not in it.  With you in my life, the days seemed sunnier, the flowers felt prettier, and smelled nicer.  I cared more about having my plants grow and enjoying the warmer weather with you.  I enjoyed the breeze through you, watching you sniff it, basking in the sun and environment around you in our back yard, just within the past week.  How do I experience and enjoy life without you?

Your deteriorating health sent me to tears, as I was forced to consider the inevitable with your age.  Reading about potential help with your ailments (that I was aware of) gave me hope, which I held to as you went to see the vet this Friday, 6/3.  I assumed you would come home that night with medication to fix things, and I would continue my regimen of caring for you and the rest of my kids.  I was not prepared to consider you may not come home.  Now I try to conjure up every moment of that day, as it ended up being my last with you.  Had I known it would be, would it be easier?  Or is it like children getting a vaccination shot, when you may not want them to know the exact moment and be distracted, to lessen the pain and fear of anticipation?

Your loyalty extended to my children, whom you watched enter the world, grow, and love you.  You chose to sleep near me at the end of the day, every single day, even when your back legs were failing you recently, and you would push your body up to your spot in my room and life.  When we limited how much you pushed your body by restricting you and you stopped protesting with your barks; I was filled with sadness, knowing your were resigning to a new phase.  This was not the Pooja I knew, and I was scared.

I am so sorry for being so bad at letting you go, and if that caused you further suffering and a heavier burden.  I’m sorry for my selfishness in thinking there would not ever be a good time for you to go.  You ended up looking after me even in your passing by ensuring I was with the support I needed.

As much as I hurt in losing you, I will never regret the love you brought in my life and that of my family the past 15 years, which will always be a part of me.  You have blessed me and my family immeasurably.  Thank you, Pooja, you are a “prayer” answered, as your name means.  I pray that I will see you someday, in your peak physical form, flying through the air to catch a frisbee and chasing tennis balls.

Tennis balls will remind me of you along with everything else.  For now, just waking up, breathing and looking at anything reminds me of you.  My heart aches and feels empty at the same time.  I don’t want to be disloyal by not thinking about you and letting you go in anyway feels disloyal.  Giving up your body felt disloyal.  I will never be able to feel your soft ears that felt like the plant lamb’s ear in my yard.

Two weekends ago, I was noticing your triangular ears perked up as you were lounging next to my husband in the park.  You did not look aged.  You were beautiful, majestic, serene, and proud.  Looking into your eyes felt like I was looking at an old soul and that you could see my soul.  I am grateful for choosing to look into those eyes as you passed from this world.  And then I looked at the dreaded sight of your body not going up and down with breath.  You were still.  Your eyes and gaze remained the same.

Pooja, I will love you forever.  You are a part of me and my family and always will be.  I will be honoring you every time I love and nurture my family that I will always be loyal to, as you have been.  Rest in peace, my Princess Pooja and now my angel.

Pooja, Colin, and Bhalloo 1/18/10

I am also proud to be an American and to have grown up here.  The pride in being both an American and an Indian have at times conflicted.  I’ve defended Americans when Indians said they don’t care about the elderly.  I had personal experience at the time of knowing someone who took great care of his elderly mother.  I’ve defended India against limited views and perspectives some Americans have had of the country, such as believing it is just like what they might see on a Sally Struthers commercial depicting people struggling with poverty. Many Indians take offense to this view and for this reason object to movies like “Slum Dog Millionaire.”  They want people to know that Indian life is much more broad and India is emerging very rapidly as a country to be reckoned with.  In fact, the most new  millionaires have been from India recently.

There is a huge increasing middle-class and the normal middle-class lifestyle of having a cook, maid, nanny, and perhaps a driver.  They didn’t understand the simplicity of life and the ordinariness of it at times, how the days for many women consisted of domestic pursuits such as making sure there were three great meals, visiting neighbors and relatives over savory snacks and chai, and of course getting a nap in every day around 3pm.  It is a pleasant, mellow life.  In comparison, most women here are running around trying to multi-task as much as possible to try to cross a few things off on their “Things to do list.”

It is good to understand different cultures and have respect for one another.  Americans would want people in other cultures to know that life here is more than what they see in an old John Wayne western.  It’s perhaps a good start, though, to getting a glimpse of the wonderful American spirit.

As teens, we talked about our longing for India – the country and people left behind. To some extent, we felt that we were temporary visitors to the US. As a female, I felt that I left “sisters” behind – females who did not have the advantages I would by living in a country where opportunities were abundant.

Many of our parents were glad to have brought us to the country to further our lives. Yet at the same time, there was resistance to our mixing in too much with the “West.” We were to retain as much “Indianness” as possible, whatever that meant at the moment. There was much resistance, particularly with my own family, to a culture that was attractive enough to warrant moving here. I wondered at times, growing up, why we did move here if it was so terrible.

When I married the FOB, as was the plan for me, I learned that while I was busy measuring up to an Indian standard handed down to me, Indians in India were becoming more and more “American.” How ironic. I learned that my FOB spouse had in some ways already lived a more American life than I had, in India.

The country was evolving, even more rapidly recently. These days, it seems one can feel as American or Indian as one wants regardless of the country they actually live in. It’s really more a state of mind rather than actual geographic place. It’s possibly best to not even make a distinction. We’re just individuals influenced by our backgrounds at different levels.

On Monday evening, the 6th, at about 10pm Eastern time, my sister passed. It was unbelievable that something so bizarre could hit so close to home, to someone so young and so much to live for at 47. I had looked forward to the mending and nurturing of the relationship, a push that had apparently been prompted by the passing of my father this past December. It is unfortunate that the relationship had not been nurtured already prior to her passing, as with my father. She was maternal to me as a child and I will treasure the memory of her from then.

I am feeling more aware of the passage of time. There is so much that I want to do, see, and accomplish before my time “is up.” I want to live my life as richly as possible.

The best way I can see to honor someone once they pass is to learn from their life and values. What did they believe in? From my experience and recollection of my sister, she was a devoted housewife most of her life. She was very into trying to keep a clean, nurturing home and took domestic endeavors seriously. I appreciate and relate to this. I believe a home should be run as smoothly and lovingly as possible. It should be a refuge for all and it takes much effort to make it so!

The past few days, I have felt a pull to clean and thought of her as I cleaned and decluttered my home. It lifted my spirits to see the end result. I imagined her smiling. I know caring for my family the best I can is one significant way of honoring her life; taking care of myself will allow me to do so for as long as I can.

Dear sister, I hope your soul is at peace. Thank you for all that you have done for me. You have raised two children into adults you can be proud of and have thereby left a positive, meaningful, and enduring imprint on the planet.

Another connecting area for us is an appreciation of tennis.  He has been playing much of his life and I am a beginner, along with my 11-year-old son.  It is nice sharing this passion as a couple and family.  It is a way to bond.  It will be a treat to watch our infant daughter eventually learn to play so that we can one day all play together.

Sometimes we are not able to spend much time together due to responsibilities or go away on our own.  We will be going to CA this weekend for a week as a family vacation and Anniversary celebration.  We will have to be creative and find opportunities to be a couple whenever possible, such as when the kids are sleeping.  Having separate rooms part of the trip will help.  It will also be important to find moments throughout the day to flirt, compliment, and just remind each other of our mutual attraction.

It has been said that in a successful marriage, you get up more than you fall down.  This marriage article points to other good tips on maintaining marital harmony:  CNN Article on Marriage

One of the issues I struggled with while working outside of the home, particularly as a single mom, was a desire to have more balance in my life and to telecommute more.  It was frustrating to have my son in daycare from 6:30am to 6pm while I drove two hours daily to get to and from work.  It was the same in the summer when I wanted him to be in specific camps and activities for his enrichment, but had to keep him in full-time daycare because I could not leave work to take him to those activities.   It was even more frustrating to realize that most of my work was done using a computer, which I had at home.  I was even emailing my colleage in the next office, rather than walking over.  The nice, big office with custom furniture I was in seemed wasted.  I wondered how much the company would save in facility costs if they didn’t use so many resources for employees; and the employees would be happier because they wouldn’t have to pretend they didn’t have other parts to their lives, and would maybe stay with the company longer! ***sigh***

When I finally requested to possibly leave a few hours earlier to pick up my son from school and work from home, my boss saw it as a personal affront.  He thought he was being taken advantage of…

What I’ve come to learn about the lack of support for more telecommuting is a lack of trust from management and a concern from HR that other employees will be jealous.  This does not make sense since no supervisor is looking over the shoulders of employees all day long to determine productivity.  All one can look at is the ultimate result.  Is the work getting done?  Co-workers wouldn’t be jealous if they can have the same benefit if they desire.  I have seen instances where some employees in some departments got to telecommute some of the time and others did not.  Ridiculous! It felt like a clique in high school you couldn’t get into.  How did these people become the “chosen telecommuting people??”  Were their lives more valuable than mine??

I hope that when my daughter is an adult, much change will have occurred in this area and she will be amazed at the resistance there was in allowing people to have more balance in their lives.

I am always pleased to see women achieve this and the following article is an example:  CNN Article on Self-Employment

Thank you for sharing my journey with me.